It struck me today that there is are 2 different places in the mind of living. There is the place that you dream of, where everyone smiles at you, everyone understands what it is you're trying to communicate with them. No one cuts anyone off in traffic, people hold doors open for each other and children respect adults. I call this place La La Land. I often think that my problem is that I live there sometimes. The other place is called reality! I don't know if times are just changing so much that it keeps us from reaching out to each other but something's odd. Holden plays T-ball and I remember thinking to myself, (before we began) "Hey, here's a chance to make some friends." But the reality is that when you talk to people they sort of look at you like you're speaking a new language. I also noticed that if I didn't make the effort no one would speak. Everyone is in their own little world and it seems like they're afraid to let anyone in for fear it will interrupt their existence. I do this on purpose now... I wait a little to see if anyone will approach another and when the silence in the room is so thick I can't breathe I will be the one to release everyone from their bondage. I can't stand it! I want everyone to live life and get out of their comfort zones. You never know who you are going to meet or why you're there in that group or place. I want everyone to know that you may feel far from perfect and not think you're going to fit in or say the "right" thing, but screw that! No one says the right thing most of the time and everyone should just relax, forget about what others think and just BE!
Hell, I have PMS and I'm way too emotional about everything. I could just be really annoying and no one wants to talk to me!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Here I blow again...
Blow smoke that is, chat, vent or gab. Anyway you put it, I'm back. First, I just want to say I appreciate everyone that missed me or asked where I was. Nothing was wrong or anything. I just honestly took a break. It's been busy and I really haven't had time to blog. Matt's work schedule was pretty hard on all of us and I won't lie and say I didn't have a difficult time of it - it was getting rough. But we made it through and are no worse for the wear. Truthfully, (and I think I've mentioned this before) it gives me an appreciation that I'm not a single mom or that my husband is in the military and has to be away for months or years at a time. God bless all of them. They truly have my respect!
I'm happy about a couple of different things, 1. School is almost out!!! I'm not one of those mom's that relishes kids being away at school. I'm actually probably as bad as they are about not wanting to get out of bed and doing all that needs to be done to have a successful day. Such as making breakfast, making lunches, setting out clothes, brushing teeth, repeating all these things that need to be done about 75 times and wanting to pull out all of my hair by the time we leave. Besides, as fast as these boys are growing, I just want to be with them as much as I can.
2. Watching Holden play T-ball has been so much fun. (aside from the tantrums and driving and rain that has cancelled most of the games) Holden is really into it and good at it too. He actually seems to take it seriously and he's only 4. One of the other boys was trying to joke around with him and he was having none of it. I was afraid he was going to push the kid down because he wouldn't let Holden concentrate on the next play. So funny! And man can this child run! It's funny to hear someone ask "Who's kid is number 10?" and with a huge grin I reply,"That's my baby!" Yeah, I'm one of those moms. It the same way with Logan's comedic nature. When he makes someone laugh it makes me feel good about who he is, not to mention how freakishly smart he is. Which is probably the reason he's so funny.
Oh and last but not least, because Matt's hours have gone back to normal I have made it back into the gym. I love working out, it makes me feel so much better! I still have a way to go but at least I'm going!
So, I have a lot of catching up to do with everyone else's blogs, so I better get to it!
I'm happy about a couple of different things, 1. School is almost out!!! I'm not one of those mom's that relishes kids being away at school. I'm actually probably as bad as they are about not wanting to get out of bed and doing all that needs to be done to have a successful day. Such as making breakfast, making lunches, setting out clothes, brushing teeth, repeating all these things that need to be done about 75 times and wanting to pull out all of my hair by the time we leave. Besides, as fast as these boys are growing, I just want to be with them as much as I can.
2. Watching Holden play T-ball has been so much fun. (aside from the tantrums and driving and rain that has cancelled most of the games) Holden is really into it and good at it too. He actually seems to take it seriously and he's only 4. One of the other boys was trying to joke around with him and he was having none of it. I was afraid he was going to push the kid down because he wouldn't let Holden concentrate on the next play. So funny! And man can this child run! It's funny to hear someone ask "Who's kid is number 10?" and with a huge grin I reply,"That's my baby!" Yeah, I'm one of those moms. It the same way with Logan's comedic nature. When he makes someone laugh it makes me feel good about who he is, not to mention how freakishly smart he is. Which is probably the reason he's so funny.
Oh and last but not least, because Matt's hours have gone back to normal I have made it back into the gym. I love working out, it makes me feel so much better! I still have a way to go but at least I'm going!
So, I have a lot of catching up to do with everyone else's blogs, so I better get to it!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
A Little Breathing Room
Well, I'm sitting here writing this ALONE! My husband had to work today because it is still tax season and since he is a trust tax accountant, he works ALL the time. This too shall pass... He misses his boys and I know it's hard on him but since he is missing his boys I get the true pleasure of being their one and only person to meet each and every need as well as keeping up with laundry, dishes, daily messes made, working, the school's yearbook, the pre-school projects... did I mention laundry, oh right... well let me re-mention it because it NEVER ends! I've often joked that there are times when I want to set it on fire but the matches have never looked more appealing than they do right now. I digress...
So here I sit, alone, all alone and the silence has never sounded so sweet. Matt came home around 4:00 and took off with the boys for a bit.
I have so much respect for families that have to endure this single parent stuff a whole lot longer than I do. I appreciate Matt's presence so much more when I don't have him here to keep the boys busy while I do stuff around the house or if I want to venture off to the bookstore and veg-out for a bit. I have a story to share and I hope no one judges me (like I care) but I have to share because it's a tribute to my mom Elaine.
The other day after Holden's T-ball practice he had the mother of all melt-downs and so did I. I actually officially channeled Elaine. When I was younger, all my mom had to do was purse her lips and show her clenched teeth while a demon briefly possessed her (it was in her eyes, believe it!) her voice became this low growl and most of the time if I valued my life I stopped whatever I was doing. Only when I turned 13 did I ever push her past that but we won't get into that now.
Anyhow, my precious son Holden after playing T-ball for over an hour didn't think he had had enough fun so he persisted that he wanted to shoot hoops.(we were in a gymnasium because of the weather) Well, I was done and I needed him to mind because I was so tired, exhausted! It went a little like this:
Holden: (wailing)"I want to shoot hoooooops! "
Me: "You just played T-ball and that's that. We're not here to shoot hoops, now come on!" I go after him...
Holden: (running away from me wailing louder with everyone else still trying to leave) "Just one more hooooooop! Pleeeeeeeease!"
Me: (running after him) "If you don't get over here right now then you won't be able to go to practice next time!"
Holden: (still running away from me towards the basketballs and throwing himself on top of one) Pleeeeeeeeease, I just want to make a hoooooooop!)
Me: (grabbing him and trying to hold his hand and pull him up without success) "Get up RIGHT NOW!" (I start walking off because he will usually come after me but not this time!)
So, I finally get him to follow me a little but whenever I turn around to get his hand he pulls it away and runs a little bit in the other direction. I then have to literally pick him up and carry this little wailing human being out the door while I yell at my other son to come on. (Who isn't doing anything to deserve my wrath but faithfully without making anymore trouble for me follows quietly.) I proceed to put Holden in the car and fasten his seat belt to which he (as quickly as he can) unfastens it and pushes on the car door so I can't close it. I try to as calmly as I can (which truthfully wasn't very calm) put him back in his seat and fasten his seat belt again to which he AGAIN unfastens it and pushes me away. Oh and I didn't mention the screaming bloody murder the whole time "I want to shoot hoooooooops!" So I'm sure we weren't drawing attention our way or anything. I think he unfastened his seat belt another time but this is where it gets a little fuzzy because at this point I feel the same demon that possessed my mom begin to take shape inside me. My teeth began to clench as I held him down to fasten the belt one more time and lock the door behind me and then the worst happened... He unlocked the door and tore himself out of his seat and opened the door trying his best to escape. And the beast arose within me... I channeled Elaine's demon. I no longer recognized my own voice. It became very low and gravelly - almost a growl. I couldn't see anything but the smoke pouring out of my ears and everything went dark. The beast spoke for me and as my body put Holden back in his seat and fastened his seat belt for the last time I heard the beast say "YOU WILL NOT TREAT YOUR MOTHER THIS WAY!!!"(pause for breath) "DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU WILL NOT DO THIS TO ME!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE HUMILIATED AND YOU WON"T DO THIS EVER AGAIN OR YOU WILL BE SORRY!!!"
And all was quiet. Holden stayed in his seat, whimpering but he stayed put. I don't think Logan knew what to think. I've been angry with him too but I don't think the beast ever took over with him. The beast left as soon as it had come and I just kept thinking about how even more angry I was that he had made me turn into my mom. The whole ride home no one uttered a word. When Matt called to see how practice went I was still seething because I didn't want to turn into Elaine! I described to him the horrific events from just minutes before and handed the phone to Logan who (bless his heart) tried as best he could describe it himself but I think he chose to block it out so I made Holden talk to him. He wouldn't at first but with reluctance took the phone after I made it clear that he could either talk to his dad then or I would wake him up in the middle of the night to talk to him. (at that point I totally would have done just that). After his phone conversation he gently apologized to me and gave me a hug and kiss. I in turn explained to him that he really won't do that to me again or he wouldn't play T-ball period. Needless to say he has been pretty good! I suppose there are times that instead of fighting the beast letting it take over will at least buy you a few minutes of quiet.
So you may judge me and think I'm nuts but I don't care. This is why I am enjoying this time to myself so hopefully I can keep the beast from ever rearing it's ugly head again. Well, at least for a few years. I'm not promising I won't turn into my mom again. I tried that already and apparently you really do turn into your parents. I wonder if I should warn the boys now before they become teens? Nah!
So here I sit, alone, all alone and the silence has never sounded so sweet. Matt came home around 4:00 and took off with the boys for a bit.
I have so much respect for families that have to endure this single parent stuff a whole lot longer than I do. I appreciate Matt's presence so much more when I don't have him here to keep the boys busy while I do stuff around the house or if I want to venture off to the bookstore and veg-out for a bit. I have a story to share and I hope no one judges me (like I care) but I have to share because it's a tribute to my mom Elaine.
The other day after Holden's T-ball practice he had the mother of all melt-downs and so did I. I actually officially channeled Elaine. When I was younger, all my mom had to do was purse her lips and show her clenched teeth while a demon briefly possessed her (it was in her eyes, believe it!) her voice became this low growl and most of the time if I valued my life I stopped whatever I was doing. Only when I turned 13 did I ever push her past that but we won't get into that now.
Anyhow, my precious son Holden after playing T-ball for over an hour didn't think he had had enough fun so he persisted that he wanted to shoot hoops.(we were in a gymnasium because of the weather) Well, I was done and I needed him to mind because I was so tired, exhausted! It went a little like this:
Holden: (wailing)"I want to shoot hoooooops! "
Me: "You just played T-ball and that's that. We're not here to shoot hoops, now come on!" I go after him...
Holden: (running away from me wailing louder with everyone else still trying to leave) "Just one more hooooooop! Pleeeeeeeease!"
Me: (running after him) "If you don't get over here right now then you won't be able to go to practice next time!"
Holden: (still running away from me towards the basketballs and throwing himself on top of one) Pleeeeeeeeease, I just want to make a hoooooooop!)
Me: (grabbing him and trying to hold his hand and pull him up without success) "Get up RIGHT NOW!" (I start walking off because he will usually come after me but not this time!)
So, I finally get him to follow me a little but whenever I turn around to get his hand he pulls it away and runs a little bit in the other direction. I then have to literally pick him up and carry this little wailing human being out the door while I yell at my other son to come on. (Who isn't doing anything to deserve my wrath but faithfully without making anymore trouble for me follows quietly.) I proceed to put Holden in the car and fasten his seat belt to which he (as quickly as he can) unfastens it and pushes on the car door so I can't close it. I try to as calmly as I can (which truthfully wasn't very calm) put him back in his seat and fasten his seat belt again to which he AGAIN unfastens it and pushes me away. Oh and I didn't mention the screaming bloody murder the whole time "I want to shoot hoooooooops!" So I'm sure we weren't drawing attention our way or anything. I think he unfastened his seat belt another time but this is where it gets a little fuzzy because at this point I feel the same demon that possessed my mom begin to take shape inside me. My teeth began to clench as I held him down to fasten the belt one more time and lock the door behind me and then the worst happened... He unlocked the door and tore himself out of his seat and opened the door trying his best to escape. And the beast arose within me... I channeled Elaine's demon. I no longer recognized my own voice. It became very low and gravelly - almost a growl. I couldn't see anything but the smoke pouring out of my ears and everything went dark. The beast spoke for me and as my body put Holden back in his seat and fastened his seat belt for the last time I heard the beast say "YOU WILL NOT TREAT YOUR MOTHER THIS WAY!!!"(pause for breath) "DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU WILL NOT DO THIS TO ME!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE HUMILIATED AND YOU WON"T DO THIS EVER AGAIN OR YOU WILL BE SORRY!!!"
And all was quiet. Holden stayed in his seat, whimpering but he stayed put. I don't think Logan knew what to think. I've been angry with him too but I don't think the beast ever took over with him. The beast left as soon as it had come and I just kept thinking about how even more angry I was that he had made me turn into my mom. The whole ride home no one uttered a word. When Matt called to see how practice went I was still seething because I didn't want to turn into Elaine! I described to him the horrific events from just minutes before and handed the phone to Logan who (bless his heart) tried as best he could describe it himself but I think he chose to block it out so I made Holden talk to him. He wouldn't at first but with reluctance took the phone after I made it clear that he could either talk to his dad then or I would wake him up in the middle of the night to talk to him. (at that point I totally would have done just that). After his phone conversation he gently apologized to me and gave me a hug and kiss. I in turn explained to him that he really won't do that to me again or he wouldn't play T-ball period. Needless to say he has been pretty good! I suppose there are times that instead of fighting the beast letting it take over will at least buy you a few minutes of quiet.
So you may judge me and think I'm nuts but I don't care. This is why I am enjoying this time to myself so hopefully I can keep the beast from ever rearing it's ugly head again. Well, at least for a few years. I'm not promising I won't turn into my mom again. I tried that already and apparently you really do turn into your parents. I wonder if I should warn the boys now before they become teens? Nah!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Updates
-Prayers were answered for me in regards to the little one I posted about yesterday. Not completely out of the woods with this, but a huge relief today!
-Prayers were answered for my sister who had serious complications from pneumonia and now she is doing so much better. Had a CAT scan done and it came back that she was healing nicely!
Amen! Thanks everyone!
-Prayers were answered for my sister who had serious complications from pneumonia and now she is doing so much better. Had a CAT scan done and it came back that she was healing nicely!
Amen! Thanks everyone!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Hard Day
Today was an exceptionally hard day. I have a beautiful little girl in my class and I'm afraid for her. I won't go into any details or give her name because I'm sure that would not be the right thing to do in order to protect her privacy. I would just like some additional prayer for her in general that God protects her and gives her some peace. It prompted me to rewrite this poem I had written a long time ago.
Children are the innocent and pure.
They are the beginning and the future.
With just one smile sorrow does not exist.
With their laughter, joy is impossible to resist.
They have no expectations or a heart that's unforgiving.
Their love is unconditional and they give it without questioning.
They've come straight from Heaven to live on this earth.
A miracle from God, His gift is their birth.
A precious child is a gift beyond measure.
Someone to love, to protect and always treasure.
God Bless!
Children are the innocent and pure.
They are the beginning and the future.
With just one smile sorrow does not exist.
With their laughter, joy is impossible to resist.
They have no expectations or a heart that's unforgiving.
Their love is unconditional and they give it without questioning.
They've come straight from Heaven to live on this earth.
A miracle from God, His gift is their birth.
A precious child is a gift beyond measure.
Someone to love, to protect and always treasure.
God Bless!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
It's A Lizard!
There are moments that come along when you realize how much you LIKE your children. I will always love them and that could never change but genuinely liking who they are is a blessing. You have to be able to pay attention to these moments when they come along because if you don't you will miss something precious.
Yesterday it snowed like crazy here and it came down beautifully with huge snowflakes and lots of them. I opened the blinds so the boys could see it and while I was in the kitchen making breakfast, Holden runs in...
Holden - "Brother, brother, it's a lizard out there! Brother look at the lizard! BROTHER, it's a lizard, it's a lizard!" (I thought I would have to get Logan's attention because he has a tendency to block out his little brother's rantings, but no...)
Logan -(without laughing, without talking down to him, gently corrects him without skipping a beat) "No, it's a Buh, buh, Blizzard. Not lizard."
Holden - "Brother look at the Buhlizzard, look at the blizzard!"
As I was listening to this I just realized what a patient and loving big brother Logan is and at that moment I really liked him. And I really liked Holden for looking up to him and being patient as he was corrected, not minding one bit.
Moments to treasure and savor because it won't be long until I'm yelling at both of them to stop fighting and be kind to each other!
Yesterday it snowed like crazy here and it came down beautifully with huge snowflakes and lots of them. I opened the blinds so the boys could see it and while I was in the kitchen making breakfast, Holden runs in...
Holden - "Brother, brother, it's a lizard out there! Brother look at the lizard! BROTHER, it's a lizard, it's a lizard!" (I thought I would have to get Logan's attention because he has a tendency to block out his little brother's rantings, but no...)
Logan -(without laughing, without talking down to him, gently corrects him without skipping a beat) "No, it's a Buh, buh, Blizzard. Not lizard."
Holden - "Brother look at the Buhlizzard, look at the blizzard!"
As I was listening to this I just realized what a patient and loving big brother Logan is and at that moment I really liked him. And I really liked Holden for looking up to him and being patient as he was corrected, not minding one bit.
Moments to treasure and savor because it won't be long until I'm yelling at both of them to stop fighting and be kind to each other!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Move Over Derek Jeter!
Holden had his 1st T-Ball practice last night and I'm kicking myself that I didn't bring my camera, next time for sure. It was the cutest and funniest time. I forgot how much fun it was to watch your child's very 1st experience with team sports. You can tell right away which ones have it and which ones don't and I'm not bragging, but Holden has it! When I watched Logan play for the 1st time I just knew that team sports probably wasn't going to be his thing. He also played soccer and played as if he was being put out to have to run up and down to get a ball. He was fine with just watching the other boys do whatever they had to do to score a goal. He would however, celebrate with them as if he had been a big part in it. (I love that kid)Since then he has really liked playing golf so hopefully we can still keep him out of trouble with some sort of activity. Holden, on the other hand will more than likely be trying to fit in any sport he can. Gosh he was so cute. Running the bases as fast as his little legs would take him. Batting as a "lefty" it was funny because the coaches would put him on the wrong side of the plate and he would swing backwards! I don't know how many times Matt or myself would shout out "he's a lefty!". They'll get it eventually. Since this is my second time around I had fun listening to the parents who were having their 1st experience with it. Some of them would be hollering at thier child, "Pay attention!" or "Go get the ball". I had one parent make the comment to me, "I just know he's going to be picking clover." with this exasperatted look on her face. I wanted to say "Geez lady, he's only 4! You'll be lucky he only picks the clover and doesn't try to eat it or take handfuls of it and put it on top of his hair!" I can't wait for the 1st game, I'm so gonna watch and see him picking away and then I'm so going to wait for her reaction. Is that wrong?
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