It has been a pothole day. My definition of a pothole day is a day that feels very similar to hitting a huge pothole. That feeling of driving along not worried about what lies ahead and just when your attention is focused on something else for a brief moment, WHAM, KERCHUNK, a pothole. It throws you off, it messes with the alignment on your car... See where I'm going?
I have really been doing ok lately, feeling strong, praying a lot and focusing on all our blessings, (having said that makes me feel guilty about how I'm feeling, did that make sense?) anyway, I've been motoring along ok. Today has just been hard. I've been so emotional about everything, wondering why it has to be so difficult everyday. With our finances the way they are everything becomes a major decision. There isn't freedom when there isn't money. One of the things that has been particularly hard on me is the fact that I've lost friends.(I know it's said that your true friends will be there no matter what, but they were good friends to me) and I probably haven't lost then in the truer sense of that word but it's difficult when it takes money just to leave your house. People like getting together for coffee or lunch, sometimes a movie or a girl's night. I can't participate in any of these things and if I do the other person ends up paying for me and that just really gets old. I feel pathetic when this happens because I know I can't reciprocate the favor. I am thankful for friends that will take care of me like that but I can just imagine that they're sitting there thinking to themselves "I'm not asking her to do anything again, I'll probably have to pay her way." Don't get me wrong, I won't even go out unless I have a little money to at least pay my way, but much of the time I won't have to pay because they know my money situation and offer. This is a lovely gesture that again, I'm grateful for but I just wish I had money to spend once in a while so I can pay their way for a change.
I really miss my friends.
Christamstime is just a ridiculous time for us. I try and tell myself that Christmas isn't really about all the presents, la la la, etc... But let's be honest, having presents under that tree from Santa is a pretty big deal to a 9 and 4 yr old. They don't realize that Santa's budget has become infinitely smaller than ever. I tried telling my 4 yr old that Santa gets presents for so many girls and boys that he can't get everything he wants. He says, "Yeah he can, he makes the toys"
Who came up with that lovely portion of the story? Why can't they rewrite it so that Santa has to shop at Wal-mart with all the people and sometimes they run out of toys. - Yes, I like that better.
Needless to say, I'm still grateful for everything we have. We are very blessed. It has just been a pothole kind of day. I lost my focus and now my alignment is off, time to take myself to the repair shop, the one that's owned and operated by Jesus.